The Best and Worst "One-Liners"

although some are two lines...
Groaning is optional!

I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper . . . dicing with death!

So I rang up British Telecom and said: ’I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ’Not you again.’

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought: ’He’s trying to pull a fast one.’

So I said to this train driver: ’I want to go to Paris.’ He said: ’Eurostar?’ I said: ’I’ve been on telly, but I’m no Dean Martin.’

Beware of Alphabet Grenades. If you throw them, it could spell disaster.

I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said: ’Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought: ’I can’t turn that down.’

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

Black beauty - he’s a dark horse.

I wanted to be a milkman - but I didn’t have the bottle

I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ’Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ’It depends where you’re calling from.’

So I said to the gym instructor: ’Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ’How flexible are you?’ I said: ’I can’t make Tuesdays.’

The advantage of easy origami is twofold...

This bloke says to me: ’Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?’ I thought: ’That’s all I need, a Je-hoover’s witness.’

I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes - he’s a catholic converter.

I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags - he’s bisatchel.

So I went down the local supermarket. I said: ’I want to make a complaint - this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ’Those are pickled onions.’

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

I used go out with an anaesthetist - she was a local girl.

So I got home and the phone was ringing. I picked it up and said: ’Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said: ’You are.’

During the war, my grandfather could not stop scribbling. He got hit by a Doodlebug.

I’ve got a front door made from sponge. Don’t knock it.

I’ve played football on a plane, you know . . . there I was, running up the wing!

I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said: ’I bet you £5 you can’t guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf.’ ’I’m not gambling,’ I said. ’The steaks are too high.’

I threw some snow at my girlfriend. She didn’t catch my drift.

I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said: ’Put it back.’

So I went down my local ice-cream shop and said: ’I want to buy an ice-cream.’ He said: ’Hundreds and thousands?’ I said: ’We’ll start with the one.’

When I left home, my mum said: ’Don’t forget to write.’ I thought: ’That’s unlikely - it’s a basic skill, isn’t it?’

Velcro . . . what a rip-off.

I went to the record shop and I said: ’What have you got by The Doors?’ He said: ’A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!’

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen which said ’parking fine’. So that was nice.

I was in the Army once and the sergeant said to me: ’What does surrender mean?’ I said: ’I give up!’

I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house . . . I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.

When it comes to cosmetic surgery, a lot of people turn their noses up.

Plus the best of ’The Edinburgh Festival’ gags...

1. Tim Vine: I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.

2. David Gibson : I’m currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.

3. Emo Philips: I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them.

4. Jack Whitehall: I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ’bought’ - I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.

5. Gary Delaney: As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.

6. John Bishop: Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.

7. Bo Burnham: What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.

8. Gary Delaney: Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.

9. Robert White: For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates - empty.

10. Gareth Richards: Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or if you can’t be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub.

... and the worst

Sara Pascoe: Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.

Doc Brown: I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price Record Shop.

Sarah Millican: I bought a cross-trainer to keep fit. I suppose that it’s not enough to just buy it.

Bec Hill: Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn’t have the energy to climb up the stairs.

Dan Antopolski: How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan.

Andi Osho: Floella Benjamin is in the House of Lords. How did she get in, through the round window?

Gareth Richards: My mother is always taking photographs of me - she said if you disappear tomorrow I want you to look good on the news.

Emo Phillips: I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it’s hard to find 32 bald men

Oh OK, I’ll go home now...
Hope these raised a titter or a groan!
Nige