The Necroplanicus-the Book of Dead Projects

which was a hell of a lot more interesting as the entire site was debating who had fathered Snowhites child.

Me think’s it was a dwarf, as the the child had a beard, maybe Grumpy the short site manager?

All fingers were obviously pointed to the Site Manager, twas was a daily site occurance, but the fact that every Site Manager in the world is called Grumpy did not help the lads in the T shack to contribute to the identity of the sperm donator present at the conception of Snowhites child, Melkatrazz.

Melkatrazz, the spawn of the blonde site secretary with the 32 waist, but do not exclude the site planner, Shifty, also short and has a beard

Shifty comes to work all dressed in black with a pink tie, because the project is dead

The lads at smoke shed B had already discounted Shifty the Site Planner as the father as he was too busy trying to work out a solution for an undo button for an international software company. However, the rumour that he was rather large in the trouser department had emerged from the shower room and was confirmed by the Site Secretary Batilda who currently had a 20 to 1 bet on at Ladbrokes

Large in the trouser is quite normal for dwarfs, was this act planned?

Grumpy the Site Manger was justifiably aggrivated. Civils progress was going backwards. Six of his civil squad had downed tools, most picks and shovels and walked off the site in single file in order to get finger printed and DNA swabbed.
Snowhite on the other hand was going to play the single mother card. The pregnancy was an unplanned. No mitigation had been taken.
Meanwhile back at the ranch, Shady’s wife was giving him a hard time as she suspected more than a minor transgression had taken place whilst on she had been on a hen weekend in
Wa’send 9 months previously.

Meanwhile Dopey the Bean-Counter escaped suspicion. And went about his daily site tour without anyone bothering him or knowing what he did.

Sharing a common gene pool via his fathers only sibling, Dopey the Bean Counter had an uncanny knack of holding down two jobs on site at once, a feat many of the Planning Contractors lusted after.

The way bean counters are, they have their own agendas, like running a porn library on site is nothing new. However, as to their performance, that is always suspect, and as such, maybe Dopey, is not the number one suspect.

Maybe Snow White has the lead in the jean pool as she wears Wranglers

The Project is dead...long live The Project! That’s in short term...This Necro Planicus subject has nothing to do with Planning...And I appreciate from the bottom of my planicus to change this necro subjects and replace them by more joyful Projects...

Regards,

Planing is not the be all and end all. You can plan as much as you like, but the fairy tales can take it away from you. Necrophilia is a problem, but projects just don’t die

I have a problem with these camel jockeys hi-jacking the storyline

Take your Jihad where you wanto but not here

Maybe Sneezy is the culprit despite his nasal problems, and maybe he got to Snow White, giving her a case of avian flu

Dear JUNKER,

This is not the appropriate website to say your junky statements...Please put your junks elsewhere Junker...Also, did you notice that you are messaging yourself in this subject, only wacky junker like yourself tell these tales from the crypt...

and suddenly...Darkness All over! oh, it’s a bird! No! it’s Batman! and he shouted! WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY GIGO?
I DID SOME INPUTS A FEW DAYS AGO, BUT IT NEVER CAME OUT!

it wasn’t too long, it’s just somekind of an ALU!

Yes it is Alu Baba, a his hi-jackers, of threads, open sesame seeds, and I will show how to recover Alu-minium

Regardless of the background interference and inference, Snowhite hit the undo button on her P3 Version 5.168 then phoned the Poisioned Dwarf.

Anyway when Alu Baba said Open Sesame, it turned out it was not a cave full of Alu_minium, but a crypt where white Elephant projects was buried.. and a version 5.3456789 of P3

Is there an undo button on that by any chance?

there’s no undo button, but it is compatible with black & white monitors.

The secret is that V5 has an undo button, it is like open sesame

Unfortunately, eating gyros with tahini (sesame seed paste) while at the keyboard was not a good idea. Tahini droppings in the keyboard cause the keys to stick and the planner can only type the digits 4,7,9 when updating/editing the schedule.

Stacy
Participate at the Project Management Knowledge Base!

Tahini is a favourite in themiddle east next to lambs testicles, and the combo is great

On return from her lengthy confinement, Snowhite returned to work and exploited the latest legislation of “Take your Child to Work” by continuing to wet nurse whilst intermittently reading the local Danish press Editorial entitled “Sedition - a means of creating havoc in the workplace ”.

Further mayhem ensued when after Snow White had departed for the day it was discovered she had missed the small print which stated she should also take the child home again.


Fiona

On returning home, Snow White explained to her husband, a certain Mr Freud, that she had abandoned the child at work. Her husband, Sigmund, sat at his desk that night and wrote a paper which he entitled the Oedipus Complex. Quite spookily, the child’s name was Electra.

As her mother had been down womanned due to Polar storms, Electra had to be stashed somewhere as Snowhite required time off to prepare for a forthcoming Planning presentation. However, the immediate priority was re baseling followed swiftly by a clandestine meeting in a certain Curry Hoose in Seagull City with Sweaty Betty the Girl from Ipanana. The Lady Planners had at last revolted and a splinter faction had set up a covert sherry n curry soiree in order to discuss how best to work with the Bettys new planner, Shrek. It was anticipated various acrobatic skills would also be scrutinised.


Authors Note For non beleivers, the above post is actually true. Fact, can at times, be stranger than fiction.

Sweaty Betty was ready for Seagull City but was Seagull City ready for her ? Armed with the portuguese version of Ronnie Biggs guide to Project Management what could go wrong ? Pushing to the back of her mind that confusion over the fruit bowl during her last visit - she now realised the Carmen Miranda disguise had a been a mistake. But Nanook would be there - all would be well...

The eccentric painter, Seagull City, was exasperated at Betty’s condition. Sweaty or not, he preferred still life and hence Betty was once again confused by Seagulls requests. The fruit bowl or the disguise continued to perplex him as he struggled with which to choose.

He could not recall Ipanema being on the London underground, but vowed to visit that fine city to hear Snow White’s planning presentation.

And so the Lady Planners were to be infiltrated by an ill disguised Frenchman - the bounder ! Sweaty Betty would not be fooled again - she’d been asked to pose for a painter before and wound up in a tenament in Torry with a guy from Rigblast....But Nanook/Snow White was smart she would have the 7 dwarfs on call in case of any high jinks (or hopefully for them low jinks).

However, with time matured stealth, Shifty the Site Planner had been keeping himself aware of the activities of the Lady Planners and decided enough was enough.

Deciding to break with time honoured tradition, Shifty arranged to meet with Dopey the Bean Counter to discuss the current situation.......

Not everybody knew the disguised Frenchman was ill, but Shrek had got to him after being cajoled by Shifty. The bean counter somehow had wandered into the wrong film set – we all knew he was in the wrong place when he kept asking where was Jack, the beanstalk and the Giant.

However, the link to the underground was still tugging at Snow Whites nurse strings. She recalled hearing something on the radio about the game called Mornington Crescent, but somehow couldn’t relate this back to Sweaty Betty, or indeed Seagull City. Betty did remember the painter, but it he insisted that 2 coats of emulsion was all he could offer under the circumstances.

In the meantime, Snow White looked out across the frozen expanse and sighed. She knew she was about to set out on a long journey. She had her protectors though – the seven wriggling bags on her sled paid testament to that. She was sure that the female planners would one day meet as a group – after all, their roots did go all the way back to Venus.

Walnuts were not an previously an important part of Snow Whites life, but with her ball juggling skills, Brazil nuts seemed to fit the bill somehow. Strange that, Ronnie Biggs used to live in Brazil as well – must be a link there somewhere for Snow White to exploit.

Ever the opportunists, Dopey and Shifty would NOT be able to infiltrate the Lady Planners splinter faction sherry n curry evening - unless of course they cared to sponsor the evening on a no strings attached basis. However, late passes and restricted bar bills were certinaly neither a pre requiste nor a constraint to their methodology procedure, considering Sweaty Betty was flying in from Rio and Snowhites trip was merely a 4 flight hop south down the Fjords.
Their offer of turning up to discuss Freudian theories, Greek mythology and the Ronnie Biggs Portuguese version of Project Management paled into great depths of dullness compared to the PAPS-CREP, Pre And Post Sherry-Curry Rendezvous/Entertainment Plan.
As a consolation, however, Snowhite promised to interogate SW on the Torry/Rigblast non planned event and report it in the March monthly report

Curses Sweaty Betty had meant to gloss over the whole Torry incident after all it was a near miss...

That night as she load tested her hammock for the umpteen time her thoughts turn to the mysteriously ill frenchman - was this his Waterloo ? Surely the Blackfriars would take care of him - even if he was Barking ?

With the PAPS-CREP firmly on the critical path commonly known as Rose Street there could be no more talk of infiltrators, the night belonged to the ..
Scottish Ladies Association Planning Personnel Evening Rendevous Society (SLAPPERS).

Not wishing to overstay his mark, the frenchman decided to bid farewell. He headed out not from Waterloo, Barking or Blackfriars, but somewhere much more noble.

Sweaty Betty had hit him where it hurt the most - didn’t she realise the Scots had somehow been victorious just the day before?

God speed, fair maiden planners. May your future paths be critical and never delayed.

The frenchman blew a tune on his trumpet. The crowd gasped. Would this be his last post?

And so as Snow White and Sweaty Betty waved tearily from the Quayside - Sir Gary (a.k.a. shergar) disappeared from view - bound for who knows where - would they ever see him again ?, if history was anything to go by - probably not. But what would become of him ? Would he go the way of Sir Winalot ? They hoped not for he had been a pedigree chum alright.

And then in the distance - they saw something approach - it looked like a little Junk from Hong Kong - surely Sir Clive must have made an early start this morning ??? He appeared to have a problem - negative float perhaps - oh well - he would sink or swim same as the every other planner had done before him....

To quote that most dynamic of planning robots - Hasta la vista, baby.

Jumped on the 2CV with the computer jockey
Giddy up
and brainlessly following previous programmes he keyed in the first 5000 activties
Wooooh said the frenchman where are you going
no matter nobody can monitor this programme said the jockey
its garbage who knows where the path will be when the
first activity falls be hind schedule
the jockey gritted his teeth diverted power from his brain to his fingers and typed in the next 5000 activities.
Get me a sherry cried the frenchman

The computer jockey continued
He was trying to crash the software
he reached 50,000 activities
then 100,000 his eyes rolled
the plug was pulled and he slumped into a heap quivering with pent up pentium
a perfume of sweat pervaded the air
and the slightest hint of dry sweet sherry
Could this be the venue of the slappers that the jockey had stumbled upon in his keyboard frenzy
but just then!!!!!!

Gwendoline
removing her shacles removed her long fingers from the stove
she ached for the security of her keyboards
she felt rejected
how many planners felt a woman could not cut the hard line
was the UAE a place where planning was dominated by a single demented computer jockey
her thoughts span out of control
she contemplated chaining herself to her computer and throwing herself under the sheiks camel
no that was too easy
she was a real planner the frog had said,
so she new about levels
the compustable jockey would have none of her waste products.
She sipped her sherry
slowly clapping one hand she thought????

My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people’s

Oscar Wilde - Lady Windermere’s Fan, 1892


Nuff said

SW

Oscar

Before you respond - I retract the post below - I missed the posts on the other thread - and thought you were having a go at the other co-founder of SLAPPERS.

Apologies - I’ll try to keep up in future .....

And so by the inclusion of just one word, a light-hearted pot-boiler became a tale of unimaginable horror and confusion.

Oscar sighed
Lady windemeres fan
Now that was serious software
He accepted the scottish lass for in his heart he knew she held no malice
perhaps a rush of superheated latin blood had corrupted her soft drive.
But
What is this you can plan without software
Surely this is some splinter planning technique
A deviant corrupt and thouroughly alien task
Just then major Charlie entered
hi lads he said
Did you hear the one about the planner who didnt use software
Ha ha
Slappers departed
they new when even their special skills could not revive the clinically dead
Sherrry Gwendoline
why not
and a vindaloo
spect Ill need that a well
Just then
the familiar clunk of the 2cv dolly was heard
the hardware had had a major upgrade on the A1 or also known as the graet northern critical path
I have done it all seen it all dont listen think my ears are their to hol;d my glasses up and anything smaller than mine is worthless
Sow shen software jockey I smell sherry
the frenchman took his big nose and sniffed
bon dia
com sta
my god its ronny
just then

Major Charlie appeared, his feet precisely one metre off the ground (he`d measured it himself with his specially built tape measure). It was really special, it had 66.67 centimetres to the metre, (what do the ISO know, saying it should be 100!) His head was firmly in the clouds and he did not deign to glance at anyone as they were all out of his class.

He floated over to where the software jockey lay gibbering, a finger poised between the Enter and Delete keys, “Arise, consider the error of your ways!”
Priest-like he raised a hand in benediction, “Remember the proud motto of all software jockeys – EXCRETA TAURI SAPIENTAM FULGEAT!”
With that he disappeared, however,

and thus the preferred reading material of the SLAPPERS had been discovered, SW had tired swiftly of "You are what you Eat" - if that were true she could be pulling a sleigh next year.... As for Sweaty Betty that had been a mistake on the part of the paper boy - Lord Knows who had ended up with her Womans Weekly Special Edition - Knit your own Rio Carnaval Costume.